The Cadaver Synod – Danny Buck
The students were tasked to enter one of three doors, marked YESTERDAY, TODAY, or TOMORROW.
YESTERDAY would allow them to experience any historical event, but not change the outcome. TODAY would place them in the middle of any current event. And TOMORROW would take them forward 12 years to celebrate what would then be Mr. Tom’s 80th Birthday.
DANNY takes us into the bizarre 9th Century papal synod of a cadaver.
The Cadaver Synod
I’m walking down a long, paved road in the countryside, where each house and patch of land is so very separate from another. I go off to a trail, where the trees are marked with crimson stripes of paint, and I arrive at a cave with distinct graffiti on it. I walk into the cave, compelled by boredom. Surrounded by darkness, I use my phone as a flashlight.
After a certain point of depth into this cave, I see architecture and artifacts of which I’ve never seen before. I find artifacts of great technology, almost as If crafted by gods. Things that I cannot begin to comprehend are scattered throughout. I arrive at a room with three doors, all of which have symbols over top of them. Not knowing what each of these doors represent, I reluctantly search the cave for some sort of hint or translation for the symbols. I find 3 tablets, one of which is broken, but the two are in a language I’ve never seen before. From then I connect the dots that this language is very similar to Cuneiform, and I spend several hours trying to connect the dots from experience as an archaeologist.
One stone roughly translates to before, which I assumed meant past, and one translates literally into the word current. The final tablet based on the previous two I assumed translated to the future, but that information was useless considering it was broken. Returning to the room with two of the tablets, and with as many pieces I could find of the broken one, some ancient technology beams from the tablets which illuminate the walls. There were carvings on the walls very reminiscent of religious figures, and in their “divine” nature, appear to perform miracles with these ancient artifacts. I plug in the tablets to their rightful place, and I make up my mind to go into the door representing yesterday. I thought about experiencing the present, but I decided that I would rather observe things as they once were than to be directly influencing the world of today.
I head into this door and arrive in the Basilica of St. John Lateran. It seems as if there’s a trial going on in this room, but the person being tried is a decomposed corpse. I look over and see Pope Stephen 6th insulting and hollering at the corpse dressed in Pope robes, and I realize exactly what’s going on from reading about it in modern day. This is the Cadaver Synod, and the corpse being tried is Pope Formosus.
Pope Formosus was being accused of perjury for holding two bishops against canon law, and becoming pope illegally. In all of its hilarity, during the trial there was a deacon crouched behind the corpse of Formosus answering the questions on his behalf. I try to hold in my laughter while Pope Stephen screams at Formosus in Latin while I hide within the crowd. Pope Formosus was found guilty (who would’ve guessed) and three fingers from his right hand which he used for blessings were cut off. His corpse was thrown into the River Tiber, only to be retrieved days later by a monk.
I enjoyed my time in Rome for a couple of days, hoping not to be executed like a certain man 897 years before this incident, when I see a mob go past me in the direction of the Basilica. I follow the mob, knowing what will happen next, but trying not to be too involved as to be harmed by this mass of people. Pope Stephen was dragged from the Basilica into prison by the angry mob after a rumor was started that Pope Formosus’ corpse was performing miracles. Pope Stephen was executed by strangulation in August of that year.
I go to sleep smiling in the bed of an absentee Roman soldier. I accept the fact that I’ll likely never return to the present, or do so willingly because this time period is way too hilarious.
Danny Buck
12/2/22