VR Golf at 80 by Chase Christou
The students were tasked to enter one of three doors, marked YESTERDAY, TODAY, or TOMORROW.
YESTERDAY would allow them to experience any historical event, but not change the outcome. TODAY would place them in the middle of any current event. And TOMORROW would take them forward 12 years to celebrate what would then be Mr. Tom’s 80th Birthday.
CHASE skips ahead to find Mr. Tom having finally succumbed to the virtual world.
VR Golf at 80
“Take those ugly, good for nothing, spawn of the devil himself goggles off, Chase!” Mr. Tom demanded.
I look at him through my virtual reality goggles.
“But, Mr. Tom! You know my eyes hurt when I’m not wearing them. Ugh, the real world is sooo boring too!” I groan.
“Back in my day, we ain’t have no fake reality goggles.”
“Mr. Tom, your days were the 1960s. Things have changed now. This is the new norm.”
“Ain’t nothing ‘normal’ about living your entire life in a fake, dream world where nothing matters.” He fires back.
“It is normal, though. You get used to it!” I tell him.
“You do get used to it, just like how an addict gets used to crack. You’re more addicted to your virtual reality than a crack addict is in a world where crack is free.”
“Dang Mr. Tom. You didn’t have to go that far. I could stop anytime I wanted to. I just don’t wanna stop!”
“Sure thing, bud. Just don’t come running back to me when your obsession eventually overwhelms you, and you are slowly consumed by virtual reality until it takes control of every single part of your life, slowly draining the soul from your body until you’re nothing more than a lifeless corpse wearing VR goggles in your mom’s basement, slouched over a portable $5 IKEA table as you live out the rest of your ‘social’ interactions in an environment where you don’t make any real friends and make zero actual progress in life.” Mr. Tom says, staring deep into my
soul.
“Haha Mr. T! That’s a good one. I’m gonna go talk to someone else now.” I say, slowly backing away from my deranged teacher. I wonder what happened to Mr. Tom? I guess he just didn’t get the memo.
I see Donald with his VR goggles on, dancing by the stereo, as it plays the most distorted Christmas music of all time. I walk over to him and start dancing too.
“Are you enjoying the Holiday Open House?” Donald asks.
“Yeah. It’s chill. Except for Mr. Tom. Don’t really know what happened to him.” I say as I’m dancing to Nat King Cole’s “The Christmas Song” on the distorted radio.
“Huh? What’d he say?” Donald looks over, confused.
“He said something about virtual reality being the spawn of the devil, VR sucks, I’m gonna die when I’m 30, no soul, something about a $5 IKEA table, and some other stuff.”
“Dang. You’re gonna die when you’re 30?” He asks.
“According to Mr. Tom. Says virtual reality is killing me and stealing my soul.”
“That’s sad. If only he’d try it.” Donald says.
“For real! Just give it a try.” I reply. “Sometimes he says he’ll die the day he puts on a VR headset.”
“He is out of his mind.” Donald laughs. “Plus, look at me! I use VR every day and I lived past 30. If anything, VR will help you live longer. Makes it way easier to do so much.”
“You’re a genius, Donald.”
I go back inside the school, not knowing where I’m going. I sit down in a chair, and I open up Spotify 2 on my VR headset. I open the Lofi Girl playlist, and accidentally fall asleep to the most boring music in the world.
I’m awakened by a shake of my shoulder.
“Chase!!” Ethan yells into my face.
“Huh? Wuh, where am I?” I yawn.
“You’re still in school! Not at home.” Ethan says, yawning too because yawning is very contagious and when one person yawns, everyone else must also yawn.
“No way bruh.”
“Yes way idiot.”
The school is pretty much empty, except for the people cleaning up who decided to just not wake me up.
“Oh my god, well let me go get something upstairs before we leave.”
I get up from my chair, and realize my back is in the most excruciating pain one could experience. God, I’m so freaking old. Mr. Tom gotta get these kids some chairs with lumbar support. This is inhumane.
When I finally recover from the pain, I head upstairs and walk into the upstairs classroom, only to be met by the most horrific sight. I see Mr. Tom, sitting in a chair. I must mention the chair also does not have lumbar support, so his back must be killing him. But there’s something even worse than the condition of that chair. Mr. Tom is wearing a VR headset!
OH MY GOD! I can’t believe it! Mr. Tom has gone against everything he’s ever told us about VR, and how awful it was, and how he’d never use it. But look at him up here. He’s using VR to play virtual reality golf!
I may be 27 now, and freaking ancient, but seeing an 80-year old Mr. Tom in “those ugly, good for nothing, spawn of the devil himself” goggles playing VR Golf. Wow! Well, Happy Birthday anyway, Mr. T.
Chase Christou
12/16/22